In the past I have talked about the GMO candy I wish they’d make for Halloween, and all of the carcinogens in a 100% Organic Non-GMO Project Thanksgiving Dinner, but today I get to talk about the best pot for Valentine’s Day.
Obviously your marijuana habit didn’t cause your heartbreak, though it probably isn’t helping. Nor would playing Marvel’s “Midnight Suns” game 12 hours per day. Still, if you find a holiday someone will take your money, be it for Xbox or a pipe. And since nearly half of people in America describe themselves as ‘single’, the market for anti-Valentine’s Day positioning is huge. A marijuana advocacy group notes past scraped Facebook statuses (1) found that Valentine’s Day was third for break-ups.(2)
What better way to make that go away than with some dope, asks, unsurprisingly, a California company that sells dope?
Their descriptions are bananas. Who knew that Florida had three capitals? I didn’t, and I grew up there. When I was there, stating some road was “not really A1A” was going to cause a fight, but now Florida geography is so well-established marijuana salespeople know Tampa, Jacksonville, and Miami share capitol status. The actual capital of Florida is Tallahassee but whatever, buy their “Triangle Kush” strain.
Want to wash away your loneliness being exploited on Tinder? They recommend “Dosidos.” It’s minty fresh! Companies use names like Girl Scout Cookies for their hybrid blend and neither CDC nor FDA seem to mind, but if people of color use menthol in vaping the whole market has to be banned. No matter how much weed you smoke, government health policy will fail to make any sense.
*** Also read: We Want To Date People Slightly More Attractive Than We Are ***
“Blueberry dome” is, again, using flavors to sell addictive products and no one seems to be worried about the children. Likewise, “Future Berries” promises you bodily bliss in a tasty package so we presume that will work for Valentine’s Day, Galentine’s Day or even Valendude’s Day.
At least I guess. I don’t even like to take aspirin, I am sure not taking a recreational drug.
But you can, if that is your thing. It certainly seems more positive than the “hate, venom and gore” that is Single Awareness Day.
*** Also read: Feminists are more romantic ***
NOTES:
(1) Don’t be mad, PNAS published a whole paper where Facebook manipulated news feeds for users to experiment with what changed about user behavior, no ethical questions asked
(2) Who wants to bet that a week after Valentine’s Day a whole lot of people were back together, just like after Christmas? Buying presents for someone not all that important is tedious.
